[ Oh. Of course. He had to get away. Because it didn’t matter what kind of crap his so called ‘friends’ had been through the past few months with the God Squad tearing up the planet and Abaddon running wild. It didn’t matter that Dean prayed and prayed and prayed. It didn’t matter that Sam was dying and needed someone- anyone’s help. It didn’t matter that for the last few months, Dean had been yanked around like a dog on a leash by some foot soldier angel who’d been lying about who he was. It didn’t matter that the world was falling apart around them- that Dean was more lost now than he’d ever been.
Top-of-the-Christmas-Tree Castiel needed a little Rest and Relaxation. Screw the rest of the universe.
Had they not been in a quiet bar, Dean would have unloaded on him. He would have yelled, threw his glass, thrown a temper tantrum, anything to get out all this sopping emotion that was seeping out of every pore. But no. He had to keep it in. Just like always. Partly because of their location; partly because he always had that sense of pity for his angel. Sometimes he hated it- how dedicated and faithful to Cas he always felt that he constantly felt the need to save the celestial being from his temper. He’d bite back his worst to conserve their relationship, and for once, it wasn’t just because he was useful. Cas wasn’t useful at all, lately. Yet Dean still felt the need to keep him around.
Stupid ‘Profound Bond’.
Facing back toward the glasses behind the bar, Dean allowed his anger to drain along with the alcohol stinging down his throat. ]
“I prayed t’you. Every night, Cas. Sam ne
——I’ve needed you more these last few months than I ever have.”
“I know … “
[What else was there to say? Each night he had heard those prayers, and at first he had listened- he let Dean’s words destroy him in hopes that after all the sawdust had cleared, something new and improved would be standing proud and tall. But that didn’t seem to happen, even in the slightest bit. Instead, he felt more and more like the shell of his former self. Castiel used to stand up for what he believed to be right and necessary.]
[Now, he just wanted it all to end.]
”But I- Dean.”
[A few weeks into his journey to nowhere, Castiel had finally turned of his angel radio. Silence … silence was the best company he ever had.]
“I’m no you. I see you and … and it hurts, Dean. You’re this strong, remarkable, hunter. Shoot first, ask questions maybe. And your loyalty to your brother stands unmatched, even by the most faithful of my brothers. And I look at myself and- and I’m nothing. All I’ll ever do to you is fail you. And it seems, even when I try to get away from you- to keep from messing up the life you lead, I still fail you.”
[He instantly fell silent, his voice betraying him only moments before with a not so subtle break. Eyes as deep as the ocean dared not to look up from the nicked and grubbily polished bar table.]
” … “